Over the course of my 4 years in recovery I have gone through several ‘dry’ periods. For those who are unsure what that means, it means I lose focus on my spiritual path, I become irritable, resentful and not at all happy with my life. I almost forget that I am a person in recovery. My pattern is to work hard at feeling good, living in gratitude, and being happy in sobriety. After a while I do feel good, then I start to chase material comfort.
Several months ago I was posting on this page pretty regularly, I had just finished college, had not found work yet and I had a lot of time on my hands. My intention with this blog was to help others, if at all possible. But eventually I did find a job, and the chase for money and stability was on. Since I was not ‘working a program’ I was not satisfied with my low paying job that has nothing to do with my Bachelors Degree, I was unhappy in my relationship and being a mother was becoming too much for me.
So what happens when all of this ‘stuff’ becomes more important than my recovery. I fall back into unhealthy behaviors. I look for anything to make me feel better. For me that means I eat for comfort, I look to other people to make me happy (codependency) and I chain smoke. The problem with people in recovery behaving in this way… Eventually the unhappiness comes to a head. With an alcoholic/addict, like myself, that means I can either fall back into the grips of my drug of choice or I can come to yet another surrender. I must surrender to the fact that I am an alcoholic and I don’t have the luxury of living like ‘everyone else’. I say that it is a luxury, but I now that I think about it ‘everyone else’ is crazy too, they just don’t know it! Living in recovery is a luxury, I know that it is unhealthy to live in resentment, I know that chasing money, property and prestige will not create lasting happiness. Soon after I do some work on my spiritual well-being I am back to my carefree self. I know that I am okay, life is good. I have many things to be grateful for.
So if you are like me and you tend to fall off the path from time to time, know that it gets better if you are willing to surrender.