Less than two weeks ago I walked across the stage at my graduation commencement, I am now person in recovery with a Bachelors Degree. This was the moment I have been working for, losing sleep for, for years! I have been looking for months for jobs related to the IT industry since my degree is in Information Systems, and much to my dismay I am finding that companies do not want to waste their time with someone who has no real world experience. If only they did know my real world experience. What I see as a great strength is pretty scary to ‘normal’ people who are thinking about hiring you.
So, here I am: over three years sober, I graduated from college and I am being forced to apply for cashier jobs. What a kick to the ego. I am also the mother of an awesome little boy, who although I love him more than anything, he is two. And, well if you have kids of your own, that’s all I have to say. On top of this I don’t have much help from his Dad, who has not been successful in recovery, and I have had my drivers’ license is permanently revoked. (One of the wonderful spiritual kicks in the butt I have received over the years as a result of being a slave to anything and everything that would allow me to escape reality.) It really hasn’t been wonderful, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I am just meant to be an example to others. I am the only person I know of in my recovery group that will probably never have their drivers’ license again. Yet I have overcome huge obstacles to reach my goals.
Anyways, enough rambling and to the point, for a long time I have been asking myself, ‘well just what the hell are you going to do after you graduate? You can’t drive yourself to a job everyday, you have an unreliable partner, you are completely reliant on other people to help you get around’. The list of limiting self-talk goes on and on. I have slowly been coming to the realization that I am operating with an old belief system. Society teaches us that in order to be successful we have to climb the corporate ladder, it is admirable to work an 80 hour week so in order to buy all these nice things. (At least I don’t have to worry about blowing up my ego with a nice car!) People have become convinced that blindly chasing property and prestige is completely normal, anyone who thinks differently is mentally unstable. I have come to believe that the ‘norm’ in our society is what is dysfunctional and completely detached from reality.
It is all about ego.
The other night an idea come to me out of nowhere. “You should just start a blog and share what you have learned”. I am usually a very private person. (Thanks to the process of working towards spiritual growth I know this is because I usually operate out of the fear of being judged harshly and not being good enough.) I have also learned that this self-talk manifests in my world. I don’t think I’m good enough so I don’t put myself out there, or I start on a big idea when I’m feeling confident and when I’m not feeling very confident my lower-self starts to talk to me: “Who do you think you are, this is a stupid idea and you will never get anywhere with it” With thoughts like these running my life, it is literally impossible to live the life of my dreams. Sharing the things that I learn along my journey just felt like a good idea. I am learning to trust my intuition when thoughts like these come to me, I believe they are divine inspiration. If no one reads, so what, I write on a regular basis anyways and the words just sit in my nightstand drawer, never to see the light of day again.
Although what brought me to my spiritual journey was drugs and alcohol, I now know that suffer from the illusion of powerlessness. Therefore I am not really recovering from alcohol or drugs or codependency, I am recovering from powerlessness. Recovery groups tell us that we are powerless and that there is a God who will fix everything and everything will be okay as long as we don’t drink, use, gamble or whatever. I don’t believe this and this is why I think my experience may inspire you to be true to yourself and not the people who think they know what you need. I do believe however, that this power is within me and it is within you too! I hope, through sharing my journey to find self-love and my truth, I will help people to learn to love themselves and live life according to their own truth